Check my e-mails yesterday, and find one from my handler. It's very bad news. "Write about Thanksgiving." That stark instruction strikes terror deep into what remains of my soul. Writing about something that every other blogger on the planet is going to be writing about in the same week? About something I don't celebrate, have minimal interest in, and that has been totally done to death. The food problems. The family fights. The disasters. Martha Stewart, that other family occasion disaster. Hyped on testosterone and fear, my fingers sprint for Google. I need a fresh angle here ...
Everyone concentrates on the preventing the bad parts of Thanksgiving, or celebrating some ridiculously Rockwellesque ideal of how it should be. And they miss the one bit of Thanksgiving that would truly be of benefit to 90% of all relationships. How to turn a day devoted to eating until you can't move into a night of joy and passion in the bedroom.
It turns out to be a remarkably easy recipe. Bake or buy a pumpkin pie and serve it warm with vanilla ice cream. According to the guys at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center, Chicago, at least. They have found, after exhaustive research, that smell of pumpkin is the single strongest smell for boosting a man's readiness for action. Combine it with Lavender, or vanilla for the old and tired guys, and you have a recipe for some serious bedroom action. I really do not want to go into the details of how they measured this, I simply assume that the price of a 'professional' lady in Chicago has risen sharply recently.
And if he, like many weary, overworked and beaten down men, has a wee bit of trouble in the whole prepare for action department, well, feed him the pumpkin seeds, lightly roasted. They are, thanks to their zinc and male hormone content, very potent aphrodisiacs.
But, you say "My parents, the kids, Aunt Gertrude. They will be interfering." No. Just feed them more turkey until they collapse into a tryptophan coma.
So why not make this Thanksgiving something to be truly thankful for. And give respect to the humble pumpkin.
Happy (for once) Holidays.